All Tomorrows

one might think that the constant pain should dull the heart. not mine. it ebbs and flows. here and now: half-time - I can peer out again through the window pain or perhaps the pane is gone for good to end this hurtful cycle and decay quietly into my half-life I wonder what's out there       take a handful of seeds,       a mouthful of dirt,       lie down and become a garden       ( Echolyn )

soon, oh soon, the heat will have turned mud into clay and baked all sadness all emotion out of me so I invert all my pores and seek refuge in someone else’s cascade of wonderous words hot cold

as you all are all saying: I should be fine now. no, it’s just begun - this hurts now . but yes, there’s an upside: I chuck out what I never liked and cook the stuff that you never liked

yesterday the black curtain rose after a handful of words - 'successfully excised' I am clean I am blessed for I will live a little longer so the time has come for the heart to set off on its long journey of healing and learn to rejoice in the soothing solitude underneath the lemon tree that is mine now today I bade you farewell

anything would do anyone would do to fix the hole in my heart what I know now: it'll have to heal by itself

wake up coffee cigarette check skin check garden check email no thought of you until walk to grave pain cigarette dance with you dance with you follow you beyond someone says fuck the first 6 months