half-time decay

one might think that the constant pain
should dull the heart. not mine.
it ebbs and flows. here and now:

half-time - I can peer out again
through the window pain
or perhaps the pane is gone for good
to end this hurtful cycle and
decay quietly into my half-life

I wonder what's out there

      take a handful of seeds,
      a mouthful of dirt,
      lie down and become a garden
      (Echolyn)

how, oh how

soon, oh soon,
the heat will have turned
mud into clay
and baked all sadness all emotion
out of me

so I invert all my pores
and seek refuge in someone else’s
cascade of wonderous words
hot cold

flipside

as you all are all saying: I should be fine now.
no, it’s just begun - this hurts now.

but yes, there’s an upside:

I chuck out what I never liked
and cook the stuff that you never liked

cancer excised

yesterday
the black curtain rose
after a handful of words -
'successfully excised'

I am clean I am blessed
for I will live a little longer

so the time has come
for the heart to set off
on its long journey of healing
and learn to rejoice in
the soothing solitude
underneath the lemon tree
that is mine now

today
I bade you farewell

fixing

anything would do
anyone would do
to fix the hole in my heart

what I know now:
it'll have to heal by itself

T plus 120

wake up coffee cigarette
check skin check garden check email
no thought of you until
walk to grave pain cigarette
dance with you
dance with you follow you beyond

someone says
fuck the first 6 months