lucky guy

last night,
we danced
and I would not let you
go

   I've been in love
   six times in my life.

   I have loved
   only once,
   and that took me 23 years to learn.

   in all likeliness
   I shan't love again,
   for there won't be time now
   to absorb anyone else's sum.

   I am lucky
   to have loved
   once

we danced

today's weather: heavenless

I could. I can now.
anything I want.

but all is
gone:
culinary.musical.literary.amorous limbo

only the words
on which I thrive.

I mustn't move.

stasis
amidst the oceanwide void
that I must populate now
with

myself

bliss

food & wine & sun-drunk laughter
the fourteen of us,
tightly knit,
amidst the myriad of flowers
you planted.

in heaven with you.

relearning how to sleep alone

sanity check:
everything's still as in
my nightcap photo album
except that all has lost its value.
lights off. dull pain.

vivid dream
something terrible is going to happen.
awake: it's happened already.

vivid dream
you are calling me,
submerge me in your living fragrance.
awake: the bed is cold and empty.
I hold your pillow.

vivid dream
you cut the straps that held a piano,
I visit the hospital all over again.
awake: dr faustus (p. 55) & st. augustine (untouched)
on your bedside table.
glad the cats are with me.

vivid dream
awake: half my pillow is wet.
sweat. tears.

awake: sanity check.
kitchen. garden. coffee. cigarette.


erase.

back in black

out of the black and into the blue

first day no black
in seven weeks

I feel profoundly wrong.

fugue

if I get it right,
I got it wrong.

blind me.
can I see you?

[black stitched on white:
door closed.]

it's looking like a beautiful day

only ten weeks ago,
you were driving our car,
cosy in your rocket.

your sunlit profile
to my left
smiled and we sang the words
of the last song
of our last hope.

now I am driving
upside down
and you're not here to
hold me
as I hit the world
full on.
with no brakes.
off course.

I'm grateful for the
driving instructor
to my right
even though he's even
more melancholy than I

of course it would all be easier
if I believed in a soul.
of course.